That Part of Life That Nobody Likes

The phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has a lot of truth to it. We can't control a lot of things like death and disability but we can control how we respond. Perspective is everything when it comes down to it. My little brother was born about four months ago with a cleft lip and palate. When we first found out there was a wide range of emotions. For me I was almost disappointed that he wasn't just born perfect and then it changed into the overwhelming feeling of wondering how we were going to get through this. The one thing I remember is my mom saying how happy she was that he was here. She wasn't letting herself get overwhelmed with everything and she just focused on the fact that she had a baby. Later when I talked to her she mentioned how everything was going to work out so there was no need to stress about it. My mother is amazing. I have watched her work through this and there have been many times when we've sat and cried together but it has helped us to grow so much not only individually but as a family. My family is LDS and one thing that we do together quite often is pray. There have been times when it was a super rough day and everyone is stressed to the max but we still all kneel down and talk to God together. I would encourage you, even if your not LDS, to find something like that that you can do as a family when times get hard. Honestly sitting down together as a family as talking is so therapeutic. While it is okay to have alone time when you're hurting it is also very important to be able to come together to talk things out.

It's important to have an understanding the grieving process before something happens. Honestly though in the moment that's not what you're going to be thinking about. When my grandma passed away I felt so weird. It was unreal I don't even know how to explain how I felt when I first heard the news. My thoughts definitely weren't about the stages of grief. As time went on though and I was trying to recover from the pain that's when I started to remember that everything that I was feeling was normal. With everything that was going on around me I felt a little bit off so in a way it was comforting to know that my emotions were normal. The first that comes is shock is when your body experiences temporary numbness. When the shock begins to wear off that is when the pain and emotions begin to set in. You begin to experience loss of self esteem, anger, resentment, envy, hostility, restlessness, and depression. The hardest part with dealing with these emotions is not pushing them off and not dwelling in them. I feel safe in saying that when something emotionally disturbing happens it's okay to get counseling for it. There are so many resources out there to help you. I would suggest first turning to God, then your family, and then professional help. Don't grieve alone even though that's what we are  naturally inclined to do.

When a hard trial comes it feels like you'll never be the same. There is a lot of growing that takes place and it takes time. For everyone the healing time is different. I want to share something that is very dear to me. I don't share my religion often but I believe that Jesus Christ came to this earth and did something called the atonement. The atonement meant that Christ took upon himself all of the pains of the world. He experienced grief, depression, anger, and disappointment. You think of it he felt it. He did this so that we can go to Him for relief and we have someone who knows exactly how we feel. We are never alone because of Christ. I know it may sound a little crazy but I know that it is true because there have been countless times when I have felt the love of my Savior and found comfort through Him. For me recovery is all about turning to Christ and finding peace through Him. Have hope that you can one day not feel the weight emotions that you feel going through a trial. I sincerely believe that the two best ways to heal from loss is through Jesus Christ and our families

If you would like to learn more about the atonement of Christ I invite you to visit these sites:

https://www.lds.org/topics/atonement-of-jesus-christ/change?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/for-god-so-loved-the-world?lang=eng

Families and Abuse

Abuse is anything involving hurting, demeaning, and controlling others and unfortunately is common in families. In order to keep a marriage strong and healthy abuse a couple needs to do everything in there power to not allow any form of abuse into their home. I want to focus on something called intimate partner violence (IPV). Unfortunately this is more common in marriages than I even realized and there are many different types of it. One form of abuse is called intimate terrorism that includes behaviors such as terrorizing, manipulating, humiliating, and blaming. There is also such a thing as marital rape or adult sexual violence and is a form of domination and control. Psychological abuse consists of continued demeaning and devaluing a person. I think that we all know someone who has been in a relationship that was abusive and it is very easy to judge them. It's important to understand what they're going through and help them rather than demean them even more.

Most people in an abusive relationship do not leave the relationship and there are many reasons why. One reason is because they have been threatened by their partner and many women stay because their children have been threatened. Also many women do not have the resources to leave. When you discover that someone you love has been abused try to be understanding. Those who are in these situations are already emotionally unstable so it is very important that you show them love and try to be understanding. Consequences of IPV include PTSD, depression, stress, low sell-esteem, and substance abuse. There is also a large impact not only for the couple but also for any children that they may have. Usually children who are being maltreated have a parent who is being abused also. The child also begins to suffer from depression and become more delinquent. This is one of the reasons that IPV needs to be prevented and is such a serious thing. It never only affects one person.

It is possible to recover from abuse but it's not an easy process. Not everyone needs treatment but you are more likely to recovery faster with help from others. There are so many resources for those who have been abused to recover but the first thing that has to happen is they need to leave. If you or someone you love is suffering from abuse do everything in your power to do what's right. Here is an important lesson that I have learned. Fear holds us back in life. I have been in a mildly abusive relationship before and I understand the struggle of leaving. It is one of the most difficult things to admit and recognize that nothing will change other than you leaving. The main thing that I want you to take away from this is just to love others unconditionally. If we all loved each other abuse wouldn't exist. We need to do our part to help abuse cease to exist. 

Maintaining a Life Long Marriage

There are so many factors that go into creating a successful marriage. Through many studies researchers have identified ways a couple can do to strengthen their relationship. Here is some of the things that they have found to be key in having a strong marriage that lasts for years that were listed in the book Successful Marriages and Families:

1. Personal Commitment- Make the decision to be with this person for the rest of your life.
2. Love and friendship- Show them love even when you're not really feeling it. Love is a verb and requires action in order for it to be there. If you don't do anything to strengthen your friendship with your spouse then nothing will happen. 
3. Positivity- Staying positive can be super hard it's something that I really struggle with sometimes. Even if you can find one positive thing a day about your spouse you'll be okay. 
4. Accept influence from each other- Be willing to accept critic and advice. Compromise on both parts is the key to a healthy marriage. 
5. Respectful of one another- The person you married is only human. They're not perfect but always expect respect from one another. Without respect abuse begins to creep in. 
6. Continual courtship through the years- You both fell in love once why not keep falling in love everyday.

These things will only do good in a marriage they can do no wrong. They definitely require that you not be selfish and that you look outward. It's interesting but these things are something that is personal. You personally need to make the decision to commit to these things to benefit the two of you as a couple.

While the early years of marriage are the most likely for a divorce to occur that doesn't mean that it will be smooth sailing from then on out. Even my grandparents, who have been married for forty plus years, have struggles in their marriage. Some of the things that older couples face are empty nesting, retirement, physical decline, care giving, and loss of loved one. As you can see these are different challenges than those of a newly wed couple. One of the greatest pieces of advice is to forget about yourself and worry about someone else. Many older couples who are LDS are encouraged to serve a mission together. This gives the opportunity for the couple to just be together and have the opportunity to serve others. Both sets of my grandparents served missions and they said that it was the best experience of their life because they felt like they again doing something with their lives. Take time to enjoy one another and strengthen your marriage even more. We can always be progressing. 

Quality Time With the Fam

Relaxing while spending time with family can sometimes feels like an oxymoron especially when you're a parent. At least that's how it seemed with my family. I swear we couldn't even sit quietly through a movie without someone crying because someone else was breathing the same air as them. Family time, however, is incredibly important in building relationships, memories, and skills. I think so many times we automatically think that making memories equals big vacations. Some of the greatest memories I have with my family occurred in my backyard. The thing that will strengthen a marriage and family is taking time to be together and doing it happily which is sometimes really hard to do.

Something as simple as eating dinner as a family is a wholesome recreational activity. That is something that I have missed since I've been attending college. Growing up our family always had dinner together and in those moments we've laughed, cried, and had some of the greatest conversations. I'll forever remember those feelings that I had with my family. One of the rules at my house is that electronics are not allowed. We just focus on family. When I was living at home I thought it was the dumbest rule ever but looking back I can see how beneficial it was. Limiting technology is a great way to enhance family time. It's also important to be doing things as a family that are not only relaxing but also build and strengthen relationships. How much time has your family spent outside in the past year? Being out in nature or even just out in the sun not only provides mental and emotional benefits. The reason that being out in the great outdoors really brings families together is because of the limitation or absence of technology and requires that you actually be involved with each other.

While it's important to be spending time as a whole family don't forget to spend quality time together as a couple. In the book Successful Marriages and Families it outlines three different types of leisure. There is parallel, joint, and independent. Parallel means everyone is doing the same thing but not really interacting. An example of that would be cleaning the house. Joint activities involve high levels of communication and interdependence so things like tennis or rock climbing. Independent is pretty self explanatory. Joint activities are the most beneficial because it requires communication. When you have a balance of all of these within your family and your marriage it will strengthen them.  The key to having success though is compromise. If your spouse loves basketball and you don't you can still find ways to support them. There was a couple that I knew who the husband was a huge cowboys fan while his wife wasn't really into sports but you wouldn't know that just by watching her. Every game day she and the kids were in their jerseys. It was the cutest thing to see the love and support that she had for her husband.

Doing things all together as a family can be challenging especially when everyone has different likes and dislikes. While it may be difficult it still is incredibly important. One of my favorite quotes is "A truly good life is one characterized by a wide range of emotions". I think that is so powerful especially when talking about families. We need to have the good times along with the bad. So many of us just want to have perfect happy little families but that isn't healthy. We need to experience everything that life is going to give us.

If you're having troubles thinking of some things to do with your family here are some resources:
http://www.uisd.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/52-great-ways-families-can-spend-time-together.pdf
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/essentials/making-memories/10-ideas-creating-quality-time-with-your-kids#.VR7NmfnF-KI
http://mp-mydailythread.com/7-ways-to-spend-quality-time-with-your-family-%E2%80%93-and-have-a-blast-too/

Whistle While You Work

Growing up  my parents taught me how to work. I'll admit that I didn't really like it, in fact I hated it, but looking back I appreciate what they have taught me especially since I am now living on my own. There is definitely a different feeling in a home where the family, especially children, understand the importance of work. Teaching children to work and do a good job with it will be something that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. When I refer to work I mean the little things like cleaning off the table or doing yard work together. Those little moments will start to create and strengthen bonds and memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Basic household work is very important for a couple of reasons. The first is it keeps your house clean which is beneficial to your physical health. The second is that it doesn't require a lot of skill. You don't need a bachelor degree to make dinner or fold laundry. My parents always made sure that my siblings and I had chores. My dad always says something along the lines of "If you want to live here then do your part" which may seem blunt but I think he's got a point. I don't ever remember not having a chore chart since I had one up through high school. My parents were very smart though because they evolved the charts and the intensity of the chores as we grew. Our last system consisted of a daily job that we had to do each day and a zone (specified room in the house) that was our responsibility to keep tidy. We began to learn to clean up after ourselves because we understood how much it sucked to clean up after everyone. My daily job was set at laundry which meant I would help my mom wash and fold. We spent a lot of time talking about pretty much everything. I know it was beneficial for both of us and grew a lot closer. My siblings and I also had the responsibility to clean off the table after dinner. Usually we would put on some music and sing our hearts out. It took us a lot longer but it was totally worth it. It's helped us to accept the fact that we are going to have to work in life and while there are things that we may not want to do you need to do it anyways.

I want to emphasize the importance of family in family work. Yes it's important to teach children to do chores but it's even more important to work with them. When children see you working with them then they are more likely to continue working with you and then they'll become more accustomed to working in the home. While it may be tedious it's vital for the family staying strong.

Saving Your Marriage

Divorce is starting to become incredibly common in our society today. Chances are you know at least five families who have been affected by divorce. Sometimes divorce is necessary but too many times it is something that is rushed into when the marriage can be helped. If your marriage is beginning to have a rough time (and it definitely will) there are ways to decided whether your marriage can be helped or when it's time to move on.

I am positive that my husband and I will argue over things that we probably shouldn't. The important thing is that we don't let our arguments effect our love for one another. If you're married and reading this you probably think I'm naive. Well I won't deny it. But the more I've read about divorce the more I have come to realize that it is completely preventable. It's not easy but it is possible. James E. Faust,  a respected lawyer, politician, and leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave some very profound council when considering divorce. He called it a three part test that will help a couple to make the right decision. 

1. Prolonged difficulties- First part of the test is time. If a problem arises a couple needs to give themselves a lengthy amount of time to attempt to resolve the problem. With that being said the couple does needs to use digression in different situations. If family members are at risk then immediate separation may be the right decision. Do everything possible to fix the problem. When you can literally and honestly say you have done your absolute best to save your marriage then it might be time to move on.   
2. Apparently irredeemable relationships- This is very similar to the first step. In order for divorce to be an option the relationship must reach the point where is is irredeemable. Something that I found incredibly interesting is that if one spouse is unwilling to try to make things, this doesn't mean the other spouse should just give up.
3. Destruction of human dignity- This is where abuse comes into play whether it's physical or emotional. It's when an individual begins to lose his or her sense of worth. When a spouse is deeming and belittles over a long period of time it's important to seek counseling together to try to resolve the problem and give it time to heal but if it keeps occurring then it is definitely time to leave. 

With this three point test you will be able to know what the right decision will be. The first five years of marriage are the most vital and in those years there is a higher chance of divorce. Unfortunately many divorces are based almost solely on emotions and the decision is made quickly. One of the greatest things that I have learned is to try. Try to resolve the problem and work through it together. There are times when divorce is what needs to happen but don't let it be the one thing that you turn to when the going gets tough.

So... You're Thinking About Marriage

This post is aimed mainly towards those who are working toward getting hitched, even if that means for the second time or if it's far in the future. It's never too early or late to learn the facts about marriage. If you are already married I would suggest reading this in order to gain an understanding on how important marriage is to society so that you can help others to build a better society.

Ever since I could understand English I have dreamed about getting married and having family. I even got married on the play ground in fourth grade. Twice. Earlier today I was looking at wedding dresses on Pinterest and looking at engagement announcement ideas. I'm not even engaged nor am I planning on being engaged anytime in the near future. So why all the fuss? I have been raised having an understanding that marriage is important and the best way to go when having a family. Besides, I grew up on Disney and the princesses always found true love and went off to marry their prince. Even though it has been something that has been a huge goal in my life I have honestly never taken into consideration the pros and cons of marriage. 

Here's my personal list of reasons why I think marriage is beneficial:

• You have someone to take care of you when you're puking and they'll still like you. 
• Sleep over every day
• Built in support system 
• You have a battle buddy to take on the world with
• Someone to talk to about anything with
• Raise kids together
• Laugh and cry together
• You get a best friend for life 

Of course this would be the ideal marriage but I believe that a relationship like this is possible. There will always be arguments about things but those little disagreements shouldn't inhibit a marriage. Here are some findings from multiple studies about the benefits of marriage that I read about in the book Successful Marriages and Families produced by Brigham Young University;

• Married adults are clearly healthier than their non-married counterparts.
• Lower rate of morbidity and mortality.
• At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities.
• Married people also recover better from illness and surgery. 
• Married people are generally happier.
• Marriage reduces the risk of mental disorders.
• Married people are satisfied with their sex lives. 

Now the studies are not by any means that if you get married your life will be great with no problems whatsoever. Trials and hard times will be present throughout your life no matter what you do but the important thing to understand is that they can be made easier through a healthy marriage. I'm not even going to go over the cons to marriage because marriage is great when done in the right manner. So now I'm going to talk about how to get a strong marriage. In all reality your marriage will either make or break you. 

The number piece of advice that I could give would be to not settle for "Mr. or Mrs. Good Enough". Sure finding someone who will be a good father or mother is definitely important but you should not just marry the first person you meet who would get the job done. You might think that this idea is stupid and that anyone with common sense wouldn't fall for something like that but I think you would be surprised to know just how common it is. For example, my uncle just got divorced about a year ago because of settling but he wasn't the one who settled. It was his wife. She knew he would be a good father and spouse so she decided to marry him and just figured that she would fall in love with him eventually. Well three kids later she decided that she didn't actually love him so she wanted a divorce. For a little while there my uncle's life was ruined but he didn't let it break him. The sad thing is is her choice didn't just effect her and my uncle, but it's going to affect the kid's life too. So just be careful when deciding on your spouse. It's super important to look at not only the big picture but also the small details. Another thing is to make sure that you're goals are in line with each other. If you don't have common goals then you won't be able to work towards anything together and it will cause a lot of tension in your marriage. And instead of focusing on finding the "perfect" spouse become the perfect spouse that you want. You can't expect something from someone else if you are never willing to do it yourself. 

Here's another tip for you. Don't live together before you are married!!! It may seem like a good idea at first but it's actually not. When you live together to "test the waters" before getting married you go into it with the mindset that you can leave at any time without there damage being done. The longer you live together there is a higher chance of having children out of wedlock and you begin to buy things together. When this happens you now have ties with the person which usually leads to marrying each other because the couple feels like they have to. It's just easier to get married to someone you know you can trust with your life. Marriage can be a great blessing when handled in the proper way. Good luck!

Infidelity Issues

Here are some statistics concerning infidelity in America:
Marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%.
Men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%
Women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

While in In The Family; A Proclamation to the World explained that a couple should "honor marital vows with complete fidelity (para. 7). Believe it or not there are different types of infidelity. In Successful Marriages and Families the four general types of infidelity are outlined. There is fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual which are also divided into two categories of emotional and physical (Gardener & Greiner, 2012). The following information is found in the Book Successful Marriages and Families in chapter 6 titled "Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity" by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner.

The following graph visualizes the types of infidelity

                                                                                Type of Involvement
Type of
Relational Attachment                          Emotional                       Physical
Detached                                                  Fantasy                             Visual
Attached                                                   Romantic                        Sexual


Fantasy Infidelity
Fantasy infidelity means one is emotionally detached. That implies that they are having an emotional affair with someone who doesn't realize what's going on, someone anonymous, or will likely never be encountered in person. There is also the chance that all three could be a possibility. This means that imagination is taking over the emotions. If someone desires to have the affair they have already committed it.

Visual Infidelity/ Pornography
This is the most common form of infidelity. Usually this is because someone in the relationship are not satisfied with what they have and feel that they need more.

Romantic Infidelity 
This category is a step further than just emotionally lusting after someone who isn't your spouse. Romantic infidelity implies a "second life" where you physically meet with another person. After awhile this pattern becomes normal.

Sexual Infidelity 
This one is pretty self explanatory and it takes all of the other infidelities to get to this stage. While they are all serious this form is the most serious form because all barriers have been crossed.

Preventative Measures
Boundaries- Boundaries in marriages are something that will save the marriage. Here are some examples of boundaries;
• Don't share things that are deep with an attractive alternative, especially when there are marital issues
• Don't have lunch with or take work breaks with the same person all the time
• When you travel with a coworker, meet only in public places
• Don't flirt with anyone other than your spouse.


Saving a Marriage after Infidelity
Infidelity is a very hard trial for a couple to get through and most of the time marriages end in divorce, It's important to understand how to deal with it when it arises. It is something that will take much time to overcome but with the right tools it is possible to renew the friendship and love that the couple had previously. I think the greatest thing you could do is go to counseling together. It's not healthy to try to just fix it on your own sometimes having another person's input will help the marriage.









Sources:
Gardener, S. & Greiner, C., (2012). Honoring marital vows with complete fidelity. In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Lets Talk About Sex

One of the biggest parts of marriage is sex, which is a part of life. It is the way life is created. Not only does sex provide a way to create a family but it is a way for a couple to have a strong relationship. There are many benefits of have sexual intercourse when you are married. In the book Marriages and Families, the purpose of marriage sexuality for the husband and wife as individuals as well as the couple is explained.
• Becoming one- If anything else, sex unites a couple. It is a "symbol of total union" (Harper, 2012, para. 6).
• Connection with God- Physical intercourse is a union between mortals and deity. It gives us the power of procreation and creation which is a Godly power.
• Strengthening Bonds- Sex creates the emotional and spiritual bonds in marriage. It is also an expression of love and pleasure with your spouse.
• Procreation- The last purpose is used to continue generations.
It is very important to understand all of the purpose of physical intercourse. When a couple recognizes all of the purposes and have a balance of all than the couple grows together and not only receives satisfaction but also their relationship grows.

Sexual problems are cause of divorce in the first two years of marriage. The following attitudes found in Marriage and Families help promote marital sexuality;
1. Sexual interaction is a healthy part of marriage and shouldn't be a source of negative feelings or guilt.
2. Married persons deserve to feel good about their bodies and to view sexual expression and a normal, healthy part of their marriage.
3. Intimate, committed, and divinely supported relationship.
4. Sexuality enhances your intimate, marital relationship and bonds you together.
5. Couples should strive to have "we" relationship.
Something that is very important is that not all affectionate touches should lead to sex. "Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling should all be part of a marital relationship- without these shared behaviors always leading to sexual interaction" (Harper & Feinauer, 2012). We have sex to release chemicals is a healthy way which is very beneficial to both the man and the woman. There should also be a transition in the marriage from romantic love to emotionally intimate. This creates a binding force of companionship.

There is also a need for communication between a couple in order to have a healthy sexual relationship. You need to talk to each other about sex on a deep level! There is the need to make sure the couple is on the same page. There is a danger of something called low desire, high desire partners. Usually the desire for sex is not shared by both partners and it tends to create a lot of tension between the partnership. This is where communication is vital to the relationship, especially when it comes to sex. I find it interesting how sex can either build a relationship or destroy it. There are many purposes for sex and when understood in the proper way it is a beautiful thing.

Sources
Harper, J.M. & Feinauer, L., (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Becoming Interdependent

Why is it important that we have an equal partnership in a marriage? How do we accomplish equality? The definition of equality is often confused with the idea that two things need to be identical when in reality equal means to be "evenly proportioned or balanced".  Being balanced requires that the responsibilities that come with marriage are shared between the couple, such as raising  children for example. While a mothers primary role should be to nurture and raise the children that does not mean that there is no need for the father to be involved. It's so important for a child to be able to also go to their father to seek comfort. A husbands primary responsibility is to preside and provide for the family. However, the wife needs to be a part of the decision making process. When you get married you become responsible for that person and they literally become you're other half. It is no longer about "you" since you are now interdependent as a couple. That is why there is that strong need to be involved in everything and share those responsibilities.   

The best way I can think to emphasis the way responsibilities are shared is through an analogy. When it comes to music, duets are something that can be a beautiful thing but when they are done incorrectly it can be awful. One part cannot be louder or more dominant. In that case one part is lost and it no longer is a duet it becomes a solo. Both parts have to be equal in volume and dynamics. When both parts can be heard the music is more beautiful and meaningful than it could have been before. However, duets take time to make perfect. Those playing the duet need to know their parts before they can come together. They have the understanding that their part doesn't sound good without the other.

In order to achieve that equal partnership a lot of communication between the couple is required. Here are three things found in the book Successful Marriages and Families (2012) that help to form the equal partnership:
1. Be aware of what you expect- If you don't even know what you want then how are you going to be able to communicate that with your spouse?  
2. Be reasonable in what you expect- We're all human and yet we all desire a perfect spouse. Make sure that your expectations are built for that person and not based off of someone else 
3. Be clear about what you expect- My parents sometimes have a hard time communicating, especially my dad which caused a lot of arguments and tears. A lot of the time subtle hints are caught by our significant others so this is where communication in vital. Don't just assume the other person knows how you are feeling and what you're thinking. 

The one thing that will help a couple become "equal" is patience with one another and their family. It takes effort on both parts but it is possible. 




Sources:
Dixon C.D., Achieving an equal partnership in marriage (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Foundations of Marriage

While marriage can be a wonderful experience there are many trials that make themselves present. If you and your spouse have a solid basis you can get through anything. The processes to building a strong marriage foundation that are outlined in this blog come from the book Successful Marriages and Families that Brigham Young University put together. Many of the ideas also come from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999) by John Gottman, one of the world's leading marriage researcher. Remember, these six foundational processes can be applied to any marriages and even relationships.

#1- Personal Commitment

This may seem like a no brainer but without commitment to each other there is nothing. There are two types of commitments that marriage scholar Scott Stanley outlines. There is constraint commitment and personal dedication (Stanley, 2005).  If you look up the definition of constraint you find that it means "a limitation or restriction" and also "stiffness of manner and inhibition in relations between people". Constraint commitment then implies that you are obligated to that person. Personal dedication is the desire to be committed to that person. Either commitment by itself is not enough for a marriage to last through trials. Constraint commitment gives the relationship stability and personal commitment assists in the fulfillment in marriage (Stanley, 2005).

#2- Love and Friendship

Your relationship with your significant other started as "just friends" and which later involved into a deeper connection we call love. The strongest marriages come down to the couple having a profound friendship. When we are willing to go out of our way for another person our love deepens. Here are some ways to strengthen the love and friendship found in Successful Marriages and Families.

1.   Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support.

2.   Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.

3.   Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went. (Pillow-talk. Go to bed together and just talk.)

4.   Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation.

5.   Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary.

#3- Positive Interaction
This kind of goes along with the saying "when mom's not happy no one is". Being positive is really hard sometimes, it's a lot easier to get angry and upset. It's important to understand that we need to stay positive about situations that arise in our marriages because when we do we're more likely to find a solution to the problem and move on rather than dwelling on a issue for long periods of time. In order to stay positive focus on the good qualities of your significant other. Make and share lists about the positive qualities that you see in one another. Here's a little challenge for you. At least once a week find something that your spouse is doing that you really appreciate and write them a message on a sticky note, especially if you are upset with them. It's nothing big but you'll be amazed at the difference it will make in your attitudes towards one another.

#4- Accept Influence
Turn to your spouse for advice and then listen. Be open to what they are going to say even if you don't initially agree with it. Learn to show respect for each other's decisions and be sensitive to each other's feelings. Understand that their opinion is as valid as yours, especially when it comes to counseling together on family matters.

#5- Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems
Disagreements show up even in the best marriages. How the situation is handled though can make a big difference. We need to remember that differences are an important part of life and we can learn so much from the views of others. Here are some tips to handling differences found in Successful Marriages and Families;
1.   Prevention: if it's not worth arguing over than don't. It's as simple as just talking it through and moving on. Try to put your emotions aside for just a little bit. Have councils together as a couple and just focus on each other and your relationship.
2.   Eliminate destructive interaction patterns: avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, escalation, invalidation, and negative interpretations.
3.   Calm yourself first: Before opening your mouth do a self check. If you're not calm and can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
4.   Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately: The biggest thing is to not be accusatory. Describe your feeling but be polite. A way to prevent being harsh is to not store up your emotions. When something is bothering you, talk about it.
5.   Reach a consensus about a solution: discuss views and opinions until you both reach a point where you are satisfied. Don't ever just compromise so you can move on or else you will never be happy with the decision. It will take time, but it prevents further arguing in the long run.

#6- Continuing Courtship          
Look back to the days you first starting dating your spouse (if you're not married look back on previous relationships). Remember how when they would walk into the room you would get butterflies? Or how the tiniest things would make you smile and you would go out of your way to be with them? It can still be like that even if you now live with that person 24/7. If you're not already, start courting your spouse again! Notice the little things again and be intentionally do things for your spouse that you know will show them how much you love them. Not only that but say things. Something as simple as touching them can say a lot. A little while ago I read about the concept of a 15-second kiss every day. 15- seconds is not a long time until you're kissing someone. A kiss that long causes you to go a little deeper than a just a "passing by" kiss and it ultimately unites you for at least a little bit. It also helps to keep that spark alive. Try it and see what happens in your marriage.

I know this is a lot of information to swallow, but if you want your marriage to be the best it can be it's going to take a lot of hard work on both parts. I would encourage you to council with your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend about these ideas and decide together what you can work on as a couple. Even if you think you're relationship is good there is probably at least one thing that you can work on.

  Sources        
Duncan, S.F. & Zasukha S.S.M., Foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Stanley, S.M. (2005) The power of commitment: A guide to active, lifelong love. Sam Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Photos retrieved from Google images. 

Why Families?

We all have families and every family is different, sometimes by choice and sometimes because of circumstances that are out of our control. One thing that we always have control of is the choice to have a successful family. When we seek ways to improve our families and then apply then that is when we are on the way to making our families strong.

The Family; A Proclamation to the World was presented in 1995 to Latter-Day Saint women in a Relief Society meeting. An important thing to understand is this Proclamation is not just for Latter-Day Saints, it's for the "world: all nations, all faiths, all families" (Newell, 2012 p313). Elder M Russell Ballard, in his talk What Matters Most is What Lasts Longest, stated "As we are all part of a family, the proclamation applies to everyone." The Proclamation is a guide for not only surviving family life, but for your family to stay strong and last through time.  

When I speak of families I am referring to a man and a woman who have been legally married together and then have children in the bonds of matrimony. If this is not how your family has been that does not mean that your family is "wrong". That view is showing that there is a better way to have a family that will put us on the path to being the best we can be as a family. There are so many attacks against the family in this world today. We live in a culture of "throw away relationships, familial apathy and permissive values; and secularism, selfishness, and immorality" (Newell, 2012 p313). We need to go against what the world teaches and apply the teachings of the proclamation to our lives.

I personally have seen the effect the Proclamation has on a family through my parents example as they have done their best to follow its guidance. My parents have honored their vows with complete fidelity. They love God and have taught my siblings and I to do the same. Our home was based on the principles of "faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" that are mentioned in the Proclamation. My dad has done his best to preside over our family and lead us in righteousness and my wonderful mother has gone above and beyond when it comes to caring for my siblings and I. While we have lived the teachings of the Proclamation my family is not perfect in any way. My siblings and I are jerks to each other sometimes, every once in awhile a punch is thrown, we slam doors, and my parents get frustrated with each other and but we don't let that define our family. We have had to learn to repent and be willing to forgive which is hard but necessary in a family. We are united and we all support each other in everything we do. The Proclamation does not guarantee our family will be perfect by any means but it does bring us closer together.  

I am incredibly lucky that I was able to be raised in a family like that. We can all have families like that though. There is no reason that our families can't be that way. You can still apply principles of the Proclamation to your family even if your family isn't exactly outlined the way it is in the Proclamation. There are situations where things need to be modified like if a spouse is in the military or if your situation causes that both parents need to be working but don't let that be an excuse. If you are married I encourage you to read and study the Proclamation and then apply it to your family life whether it's just you and your spouse or if there are kids are in the mix. If you aren't married yet I would encourage that you also study the Proclamation and work towards having a family like the one the Proclamation outlines. It's never too late to change things in your family. Successful families are possible we just have to be willing to try. 

If you would like to read Elder Ballard's talk (which I greatly encourage) you can find it here;

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/what-matters-most-is-what-lasts-longest?lang=eng

Sources 

Newell, L.D., The proclamation: A guide, a banner, and a doctrinal summary of the church's emphasis on the family. (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 313-318). Brigham Young University.

Ballard, R.M. (2005, November). What matters most is what lasts longest. Ensign, 35, 41-44.