Foundations of Marriage

While marriage can be a wonderful experience there are many trials that make themselves present. If you and your spouse have a solid basis you can get through anything. The processes to building a strong marriage foundation that are outlined in this blog come from the book Successful Marriages and Families that Brigham Young University put together. Many of the ideas also come from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999) by John Gottman, one of the world's leading marriage researcher. Remember, these six foundational processes can be applied to any marriages and even relationships.

#1- Personal Commitment

This may seem like a no brainer but without commitment to each other there is nothing. There are two types of commitments that marriage scholar Scott Stanley outlines. There is constraint commitment and personal dedication (Stanley, 2005).  If you look up the definition of constraint you find that it means "a limitation or restriction" and also "stiffness of manner and inhibition in relations between people". Constraint commitment then implies that you are obligated to that person. Personal dedication is the desire to be committed to that person. Either commitment by itself is not enough for a marriage to last through trials. Constraint commitment gives the relationship stability and personal commitment assists in the fulfillment in marriage (Stanley, 2005).

#2- Love and Friendship

Your relationship with your significant other started as "just friends" and which later involved into a deeper connection we call love. The strongest marriages come down to the couple having a profound friendship. When we are willing to go out of our way for another person our love deepens. Here are some ways to strengthen the love and friendship found in Successful Marriages and Families.

1.   Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support.

2.   Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.

3.   Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went. (Pillow-talk. Go to bed together and just talk.)

4.   Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation.

5.   Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary.

#3- Positive Interaction
This kind of goes along with the saying "when mom's not happy no one is". Being positive is really hard sometimes, it's a lot easier to get angry and upset. It's important to understand that we need to stay positive about situations that arise in our marriages because when we do we're more likely to find a solution to the problem and move on rather than dwelling on a issue for long periods of time. In order to stay positive focus on the good qualities of your significant other. Make and share lists about the positive qualities that you see in one another. Here's a little challenge for you. At least once a week find something that your spouse is doing that you really appreciate and write them a message on a sticky note, especially if you are upset with them. It's nothing big but you'll be amazed at the difference it will make in your attitudes towards one another.

#4- Accept Influence
Turn to your spouse for advice and then listen. Be open to what they are going to say even if you don't initially agree with it. Learn to show respect for each other's decisions and be sensitive to each other's feelings. Understand that their opinion is as valid as yours, especially when it comes to counseling together on family matters.

#5- Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems
Disagreements show up even in the best marriages. How the situation is handled though can make a big difference. We need to remember that differences are an important part of life and we can learn so much from the views of others. Here are some tips to handling differences found in Successful Marriages and Families;
1.   Prevention: if it's not worth arguing over than don't. It's as simple as just talking it through and moving on. Try to put your emotions aside for just a little bit. Have councils together as a couple and just focus on each other and your relationship.
2.   Eliminate destructive interaction patterns: avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, escalation, invalidation, and negative interpretations.
3.   Calm yourself first: Before opening your mouth do a self check. If you're not calm and can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
4.   Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately: The biggest thing is to not be accusatory. Describe your feeling but be polite. A way to prevent being harsh is to not store up your emotions. When something is bothering you, talk about it.
5.   Reach a consensus about a solution: discuss views and opinions until you both reach a point where you are satisfied. Don't ever just compromise so you can move on or else you will never be happy with the decision. It will take time, but it prevents further arguing in the long run.

#6- Continuing Courtship          
Look back to the days you first starting dating your spouse (if you're not married look back on previous relationships). Remember how when they would walk into the room you would get butterflies? Or how the tiniest things would make you smile and you would go out of your way to be with them? It can still be like that even if you now live with that person 24/7. If you're not already, start courting your spouse again! Notice the little things again and be intentionally do things for your spouse that you know will show them how much you love them. Not only that but say things. Something as simple as touching them can say a lot. A little while ago I read about the concept of a 15-second kiss every day. 15- seconds is not a long time until you're kissing someone. A kiss that long causes you to go a little deeper than a just a "passing by" kiss and it ultimately unites you for at least a little bit. It also helps to keep that spark alive. Try it and see what happens in your marriage.

I know this is a lot of information to swallow, but if you want your marriage to be the best it can be it's going to take a lot of hard work on both parts. I would encourage you to council with your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend about these ideas and decide together what you can work on as a couple. Even if you think you're relationship is good there is probably at least one thing that you can work on.

  Sources        
Duncan, S.F. & Zasukha S.S.M., Foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Stanley, S.M. (2005) The power of commitment: A guide to active, lifelong love. Sam Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Photos retrieved from Google images.