Infidelity Issues

Here are some statistics concerning infidelity in America:
Marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%.
Men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%
Women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

While in In The Family; A Proclamation to the World explained that a couple should "honor marital vows with complete fidelity (para. 7). Believe it or not there are different types of infidelity. In Successful Marriages and Families the four general types of infidelity are outlined. There is fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual which are also divided into two categories of emotional and physical (Gardener & Greiner, 2012). The following information is found in the Book Successful Marriages and Families in chapter 6 titled "Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity" by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner.

The following graph visualizes the types of infidelity

                                                                                Type of Involvement
Type of
Relational Attachment                          Emotional                       Physical
Detached                                                  Fantasy                             Visual
Attached                                                   Romantic                        Sexual


Fantasy Infidelity
Fantasy infidelity means one is emotionally detached. That implies that they are having an emotional affair with someone who doesn't realize what's going on, someone anonymous, or will likely never be encountered in person. There is also the chance that all three could be a possibility. This means that imagination is taking over the emotions. If someone desires to have the affair they have already committed it.

Visual Infidelity/ Pornography
This is the most common form of infidelity. Usually this is because someone in the relationship are not satisfied with what they have and feel that they need more.

Romantic Infidelity 
This category is a step further than just emotionally lusting after someone who isn't your spouse. Romantic infidelity implies a "second life" where you physically meet with another person. After awhile this pattern becomes normal.

Sexual Infidelity 
This one is pretty self explanatory and it takes all of the other infidelities to get to this stage. While they are all serious this form is the most serious form because all barriers have been crossed.

Preventative Measures
Boundaries- Boundaries in marriages are something that will save the marriage. Here are some examples of boundaries;
• Don't share things that are deep with an attractive alternative, especially when there are marital issues
• Don't have lunch with or take work breaks with the same person all the time
• When you travel with a coworker, meet only in public places
• Don't flirt with anyone other than your spouse.


Saving a Marriage after Infidelity
Infidelity is a very hard trial for a couple to get through and most of the time marriages end in divorce, It's important to understand how to deal with it when it arises. It is something that will take much time to overcome but with the right tools it is possible to renew the friendship and love that the couple had previously. I think the greatest thing you could do is go to counseling together. It's not healthy to try to just fix it on your own sometimes having another person's input will help the marriage.









Sources:
Gardener, S. & Greiner, C., (2012). Honoring marital vows with complete fidelity. In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Lets Talk About Sex

One of the biggest parts of marriage is sex, which is a part of life. It is the way life is created. Not only does sex provide a way to create a family but it is a way for a couple to have a strong relationship. There are many benefits of have sexual intercourse when you are married. In the book Marriages and Families, the purpose of marriage sexuality for the husband and wife as individuals as well as the couple is explained.
• Becoming one- If anything else, sex unites a couple. It is a "symbol of total union" (Harper, 2012, para. 6).
• Connection with God- Physical intercourse is a union between mortals and deity. It gives us the power of procreation and creation which is a Godly power.
• Strengthening Bonds- Sex creates the emotional and spiritual bonds in marriage. It is also an expression of love and pleasure with your spouse.
• Procreation- The last purpose is used to continue generations.
It is very important to understand all of the purpose of physical intercourse. When a couple recognizes all of the purposes and have a balance of all than the couple grows together and not only receives satisfaction but also their relationship grows.

Sexual problems are cause of divorce in the first two years of marriage. The following attitudes found in Marriage and Families help promote marital sexuality;
1. Sexual interaction is a healthy part of marriage and shouldn't be a source of negative feelings or guilt.
2. Married persons deserve to feel good about their bodies and to view sexual expression and a normal, healthy part of their marriage.
3. Intimate, committed, and divinely supported relationship.
4. Sexuality enhances your intimate, marital relationship and bonds you together.
5. Couples should strive to have "we" relationship.
Something that is very important is that not all affectionate touches should lead to sex. "Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling should all be part of a marital relationship- without these shared behaviors always leading to sexual interaction" (Harper & Feinauer, 2012). We have sex to release chemicals is a healthy way which is very beneficial to both the man and the woman. There should also be a transition in the marriage from romantic love to emotionally intimate. This creates a binding force of companionship.

There is also a need for communication between a couple in order to have a healthy sexual relationship. You need to talk to each other about sex on a deep level! There is the need to make sure the couple is on the same page. There is a danger of something called low desire, high desire partners. Usually the desire for sex is not shared by both partners and it tends to create a lot of tension between the partnership. This is where communication is vital to the relationship, especially when it comes to sex. I find it interesting how sex can either build a relationship or destroy it. There are many purposes for sex and when understood in the proper way it is a beautiful thing.

Sources
Harper, J.M. & Feinauer, L., (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Becoming Interdependent

Why is it important that we have an equal partnership in a marriage? How do we accomplish equality? The definition of equality is often confused with the idea that two things need to be identical when in reality equal means to be "evenly proportioned or balanced".  Being balanced requires that the responsibilities that come with marriage are shared between the couple, such as raising  children for example. While a mothers primary role should be to nurture and raise the children that does not mean that there is no need for the father to be involved. It's so important for a child to be able to also go to their father to seek comfort. A husbands primary responsibility is to preside and provide for the family. However, the wife needs to be a part of the decision making process. When you get married you become responsible for that person and they literally become you're other half. It is no longer about "you" since you are now interdependent as a couple. That is why there is that strong need to be involved in everything and share those responsibilities.   

The best way I can think to emphasis the way responsibilities are shared is through an analogy. When it comes to music, duets are something that can be a beautiful thing but when they are done incorrectly it can be awful. One part cannot be louder or more dominant. In that case one part is lost and it no longer is a duet it becomes a solo. Both parts have to be equal in volume and dynamics. When both parts can be heard the music is more beautiful and meaningful than it could have been before. However, duets take time to make perfect. Those playing the duet need to know their parts before they can come together. They have the understanding that their part doesn't sound good without the other.

In order to achieve that equal partnership a lot of communication between the couple is required. Here are three things found in the book Successful Marriages and Families (2012) that help to form the equal partnership:
1. Be aware of what you expect- If you don't even know what you want then how are you going to be able to communicate that with your spouse?  
2. Be reasonable in what you expect- We're all human and yet we all desire a perfect spouse. Make sure that your expectations are built for that person and not based off of someone else 
3. Be clear about what you expect- My parents sometimes have a hard time communicating, especially my dad which caused a lot of arguments and tears. A lot of the time subtle hints are caught by our significant others so this is where communication in vital. Don't just assume the other person knows how you are feeling and what you're thinking. 

The one thing that will help a couple become "equal" is patience with one another and their family. It takes effort on both parts but it is possible. 




Sources:
Dixon C.D., Achieving an equal partnership in marriage (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Foundations of Marriage

While marriage can be a wonderful experience there are many trials that make themselves present. If you and your spouse have a solid basis you can get through anything. The processes to building a strong marriage foundation that are outlined in this blog come from the book Successful Marriages and Families that Brigham Young University put together. Many of the ideas also come from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999) by John Gottman, one of the world's leading marriage researcher. Remember, these six foundational processes can be applied to any marriages and even relationships.

#1- Personal Commitment

This may seem like a no brainer but without commitment to each other there is nothing. There are two types of commitments that marriage scholar Scott Stanley outlines. There is constraint commitment and personal dedication (Stanley, 2005).  If you look up the definition of constraint you find that it means "a limitation or restriction" and also "stiffness of manner and inhibition in relations between people". Constraint commitment then implies that you are obligated to that person. Personal dedication is the desire to be committed to that person. Either commitment by itself is not enough for a marriage to last through trials. Constraint commitment gives the relationship stability and personal commitment assists in the fulfillment in marriage (Stanley, 2005).

#2- Love and Friendship

Your relationship with your significant other started as "just friends" and which later involved into a deeper connection we call love. The strongest marriages come down to the couple having a profound friendship. When we are willing to go out of our way for another person our love deepens. Here are some ways to strengthen the love and friendship found in Successful Marriages and Families.

1.   Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support.

2.   Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.

3.   Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went. (Pillow-talk. Go to bed together and just talk.)

4.   Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation.

5.   Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary.

#3- Positive Interaction
This kind of goes along with the saying "when mom's not happy no one is". Being positive is really hard sometimes, it's a lot easier to get angry and upset. It's important to understand that we need to stay positive about situations that arise in our marriages because when we do we're more likely to find a solution to the problem and move on rather than dwelling on a issue for long periods of time. In order to stay positive focus on the good qualities of your significant other. Make and share lists about the positive qualities that you see in one another. Here's a little challenge for you. At least once a week find something that your spouse is doing that you really appreciate and write them a message on a sticky note, especially if you are upset with them. It's nothing big but you'll be amazed at the difference it will make in your attitudes towards one another.

#4- Accept Influence
Turn to your spouse for advice and then listen. Be open to what they are going to say even if you don't initially agree with it. Learn to show respect for each other's decisions and be sensitive to each other's feelings. Understand that their opinion is as valid as yours, especially when it comes to counseling together on family matters.

#5- Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems
Disagreements show up even in the best marriages. How the situation is handled though can make a big difference. We need to remember that differences are an important part of life and we can learn so much from the views of others. Here are some tips to handling differences found in Successful Marriages and Families;
1.   Prevention: if it's not worth arguing over than don't. It's as simple as just talking it through and moving on. Try to put your emotions aside for just a little bit. Have councils together as a couple and just focus on each other and your relationship.
2.   Eliminate destructive interaction patterns: avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, escalation, invalidation, and negative interpretations.
3.   Calm yourself first: Before opening your mouth do a self check. If you're not calm and can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
4.   Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately: The biggest thing is to not be accusatory. Describe your feeling but be polite. A way to prevent being harsh is to not store up your emotions. When something is bothering you, talk about it.
5.   Reach a consensus about a solution: discuss views and opinions until you both reach a point where you are satisfied. Don't ever just compromise so you can move on or else you will never be happy with the decision. It will take time, but it prevents further arguing in the long run.

#6- Continuing Courtship          
Look back to the days you first starting dating your spouse (if you're not married look back on previous relationships). Remember how when they would walk into the room you would get butterflies? Or how the tiniest things would make you smile and you would go out of your way to be with them? It can still be like that even if you now live with that person 24/7. If you're not already, start courting your spouse again! Notice the little things again and be intentionally do things for your spouse that you know will show them how much you love them. Not only that but say things. Something as simple as touching them can say a lot. A little while ago I read about the concept of a 15-second kiss every day. 15- seconds is not a long time until you're kissing someone. A kiss that long causes you to go a little deeper than a just a "passing by" kiss and it ultimately unites you for at least a little bit. It also helps to keep that spark alive. Try it and see what happens in your marriage.

I know this is a lot of information to swallow, but if you want your marriage to be the best it can be it's going to take a lot of hard work on both parts. I would encourage you to council with your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend about these ideas and decide together what you can work on as a couple. Even if you think you're relationship is good there is probably at least one thing that you can work on.

  Sources        
Duncan, S.F. & Zasukha S.S.M., Foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 27-35). Brigham Young University.

Stanley, S.M. (2005) The power of commitment: A guide to active, lifelong love. Sam Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Photos retrieved from Google images. 

Why Families?

We all have families and every family is different, sometimes by choice and sometimes because of circumstances that are out of our control. One thing that we always have control of is the choice to have a successful family. When we seek ways to improve our families and then apply then that is when we are on the way to making our families strong.

The Family; A Proclamation to the World was presented in 1995 to Latter-Day Saint women in a Relief Society meeting. An important thing to understand is this Proclamation is not just for Latter-Day Saints, it's for the "world: all nations, all faiths, all families" (Newell, 2012 p313). Elder M Russell Ballard, in his talk What Matters Most is What Lasts Longest, stated "As we are all part of a family, the proclamation applies to everyone." The Proclamation is a guide for not only surviving family life, but for your family to stay strong and last through time.  

When I speak of families I am referring to a man and a woman who have been legally married together and then have children in the bonds of matrimony. If this is not how your family has been that does not mean that your family is "wrong". That view is showing that there is a better way to have a family that will put us on the path to being the best we can be as a family. There are so many attacks against the family in this world today. We live in a culture of "throw away relationships, familial apathy and permissive values; and secularism, selfishness, and immorality" (Newell, 2012 p313). We need to go against what the world teaches and apply the teachings of the proclamation to our lives.

I personally have seen the effect the Proclamation has on a family through my parents example as they have done their best to follow its guidance. My parents have honored their vows with complete fidelity. They love God and have taught my siblings and I to do the same. Our home was based on the principles of "faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" that are mentioned in the Proclamation. My dad has done his best to preside over our family and lead us in righteousness and my wonderful mother has gone above and beyond when it comes to caring for my siblings and I. While we have lived the teachings of the Proclamation my family is not perfect in any way. My siblings and I are jerks to each other sometimes, every once in awhile a punch is thrown, we slam doors, and my parents get frustrated with each other and but we don't let that define our family. We have had to learn to repent and be willing to forgive which is hard but necessary in a family. We are united and we all support each other in everything we do. The Proclamation does not guarantee our family will be perfect by any means but it does bring us closer together.  

I am incredibly lucky that I was able to be raised in a family like that. We can all have families like that though. There is no reason that our families can't be that way. You can still apply principles of the Proclamation to your family even if your family isn't exactly outlined the way it is in the Proclamation. There are situations where things need to be modified like if a spouse is in the military or if your situation causes that both parents need to be working but don't let that be an excuse. If you are married I encourage you to read and study the Proclamation and then apply it to your family life whether it's just you and your spouse or if there are kids are in the mix. If you aren't married yet I would encourage that you also study the Proclamation and work towards having a family like the one the Proclamation outlines. It's never too late to change things in your family. Successful families are possible we just have to be willing to try. 

If you would like to read Elder Ballard's talk (which I greatly encourage) you can find it here;

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/what-matters-most-is-what-lasts-longest?lang=eng

Sources 

Newell, L.D., The proclamation: A guide, a banner, and a doctrinal summary of the church's emphasis on the family. (2012). In A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite, & T. Draper (Eds.), Successful Marriages and Families (pp. 313-318). Brigham Young University.

Ballard, R.M. (2005, November). What matters most is what lasts longest. Ensign, 35, 41-44.