That Part of Life That Nobody Likes

The phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has a lot of truth to it. We can't control a lot of things like death and disability but we can control how we respond. Perspective is everything when it comes down to it. My little brother was born about four months ago with a cleft lip and palate. When we first found out there was a wide range of emotions. For me I was almost disappointed that he wasn't just born perfect and then it changed into the overwhelming feeling of wondering how we were going to get through this. The one thing I remember is my mom saying how happy she was that he was here. She wasn't letting herself get overwhelmed with everything and she just focused on the fact that she had a baby. Later when I talked to her she mentioned how everything was going to work out so there was no need to stress about it. My mother is amazing. I have watched her work through this and there have been many times when we've sat and cried together but it has helped us to grow so much not only individually but as a family. My family is LDS and one thing that we do together quite often is pray. There have been times when it was a super rough day and everyone is stressed to the max but we still all kneel down and talk to God together. I would encourage you, even if your not LDS, to find something like that that you can do as a family when times get hard. Honestly sitting down together as a family as talking is so therapeutic. While it is okay to have alone time when you're hurting it is also very important to be able to come together to talk things out.

It's important to have an understanding the grieving process before something happens. Honestly though in the moment that's not what you're going to be thinking about. When my grandma passed away I felt so weird. It was unreal I don't even know how to explain how I felt when I first heard the news. My thoughts definitely weren't about the stages of grief. As time went on though and I was trying to recover from the pain that's when I started to remember that everything that I was feeling was normal. With everything that was going on around me I felt a little bit off so in a way it was comforting to know that my emotions were normal. The first that comes is shock is when your body experiences temporary numbness. When the shock begins to wear off that is when the pain and emotions begin to set in. You begin to experience loss of self esteem, anger, resentment, envy, hostility, restlessness, and depression. The hardest part with dealing with these emotions is not pushing them off and not dwelling in them. I feel safe in saying that when something emotionally disturbing happens it's okay to get counseling for it. There are so many resources out there to help you. I would suggest first turning to God, then your family, and then professional help. Don't grieve alone even though that's what we are  naturally inclined to do.

When a hard trial comes it feels like you'll never be the same. There is a lot of growing that takes place and it takes time. For everyone the healing time is different. I want to share something that is very dear to me. I don't share my religion often but I believe that Jesus Christ came to this earth and did something called the atonement. The atonement meant that Christ took upon himself all of the pains of the world. He experienced grief, depression, anger, and disappointment. You think of it he felt it. He did this so that we can go to Him for relief and we have someone who knows exactly how we feel. We are never alone because of Christ. I know it may sound a little crazy but I know that it is true because there have been countless times when I have felt the love of my Savior and found comfort through Him. For me recovery is all about turning to Christ and finding peace through Him. Have hope that you can one day not feel the weight emotions that you feel going through a trial. I sincerely believe that the two best ways to heal from loss is through Jesus Christ and our families

If you would like to learn more about the atonement of Christ I invite you to visit these sites:

https://www.lds.org/topics/atonement-of-jesus-christ/change?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/for-god-so-loved-the-world?lang=eng

Families and Abuse

Abuse is anything involving hurting, demeaning, and controlling others and unfortunately is common in families. In order to keep a marriage strong and healthy abuse a couple needs to do everything in there power to not allow any form of abuse into their home. I want to focus on something called intimate partner violence (IPV). Unfortunately this is more common in marriages than I even realized and there are many different types of it. One form of abuse is called intimate terrorism that includes behaviors such as terrorizing, manipulating, humiliating, and blaming. There is also such a thing as marital rape or adult sexual violence and is a form of domination and control. Psychological abuse consists of continued demeaning and devaluing a person. I think that we all know someone who has been in a relationship that was abusive and it is very easy to judge them. It's important to understand what they're going through and help them rather than demean them even more.

Most people in an abusive relationship do not leave the relationship and there are many reasons why. One reason is because they have been threatened by their partner and many women stay because their children have been threatened. Also many women do not have the resources to leave. When you discover that someone you love has been abused try to be understanding. Those who are in these situations are already emotionally unstable so it is very important that you show them love and try to be understanding. Consequences of IPV include PTSD, depression, stress, low sell-esteem, and substance abuse. There is also a large impact not only for the couple but also for any children that they may have. Usually children who are being maltreated have a parent who is being abused also. The child also begins to suffer from depression and become more delinquent. This is one of the reasons that IPV needs to be prevented and is such a serious thing. It never only affects one person.

It is possible to recover from abuse but it's not an easy process. Not everyone needs treatment but you are more likely to recovery faster with help from others. There are so many resources for those who have been abused to recover but the first thing that has to happen is they need to leave. If you or someone you love is suffering from abuse do everything in your power to do what's right. Here is an important lesson that I have learned. Fear holds us back in life. I have been in a mildly abusive relationship before and I understand the struggle of leaving. It is one of the most difficult things to admit and recognize that nothing will change other than you leaving. The main thing that I want you to take away from this is just to love others unconditionally. If we all loved each other abuse wouldn't exist. We need to do our part to help abuse cease to exist. 

Maintaining a Life Long Marriage

There are so many factors that go into creating a successful marriage. Through many studies researchers have identified ways a couple can do to strengthen their relationship. Here is some of the things that they have found to be key in having a strong marriage that lasts for years that were listed in the book Successful Marriages and Families:

1. Personal Commitment- Make the decision to be with this person for the rest of your life.
2. Love and friendship- Show them love even when you're not really feeling it. Love is a verb and requires action in order for it to be there. If you don't do anything to strengthen your friendship with your spouse then nothing will happen. 
3. Positivity- Staying positive can be super hard it's something that I really struggle with sometimes. Even if you can find one positive thing a day about your spouse you'll be okay. 
4. Accept influence from each other- Be willing to accept critic and advice. Compromise on both parts is the key to a healthy marriage. 
5. Respectful of one another- The person you married is only human. They're not perfect but always expect respect from one another. Without respect abuse begins to creep in. 
6. Continual courtship through the years- You both fell in love once why not keep falling in love everyday.

These things will only do good in a marriage they can do no wrong. They definitely require that you not be selfish and that you look outward. It's interesting but these things are something that is personal. You personally need to make the decision to commit to these things to benefit the two of you as a couple.

While the early years of marriage are the most likely for a divorce to occur that doesn't mean that it will be smooth sailing from then on out. Even my grandparents, who have been married for forty plus years, have struggles in their marriage. Some of the things that older couples face are empty nesting, retirement, physical decline, care giving, and loss of loved one. As you can see these are different challenges than those of a newly wed couple. One of the greatest pieces of advice is to forget about yourself and worry about someone else. Many older couples who are LDS are encouraged to serve a mission together. This gives the opportunity for the couple to just be together and have the opportunity to serve others. Both sets of my grandparents served missions and they said that it was the best experience of their life because they felt like they again doing something with their lives. Take time to enjoy one another and strengthen your marriage even more. We can always be progressing. 

Quality Time With the Fam

Relaxing while spending time with family can sometimes feels like an oxymoron especially when you're a parent. At least that's how it seemed with my family. I swear we couldn't even sit quietly through a movie without someone crying because someone else was breathing the same air as them. Family time, however, is incredibly important in building relationships, memories, and skills. I think so many times we automatically think that making memories equals big vacations. Some of the greatest memories I have with my family occurred in my backyard. The thing that will strengthen a marriage and family is taking time to be together and doing it happily which is sometimes really hard to do.

Something as simple as eating dinner as a family is a wholesome recreational activity. That is something that I have missed since I've been attending college. Growing up our family always had dinner together and in those moments we've laughed, cried, and had some of the greatest conversations. I'll forever remember those feelings that I had with my family. One of the rules at my house is that electronics are not allowed. We just focus on family. When I was living at home I thought it was the dumbest rule ever but looking back I can see how beneficial it was. Limiting technology is a great way to enhance family time. It's also important to be doing things as a family that are not only relaxing but also build and strengthen relationships. How much time has your family spent outside in the past year? Being out in nature or even just out in the sun not only provides mental and emotional benefits. The reason that being out in the great outdoors really brings families together is because of the limitation or absence of technology and requires that you actually be involved with each other.

While it's important to be spending time as a whole family don't forget to spend quality time together as a couple. In the book Successful Marriages and Families it outlines three different types of leisure. There is parallel, joint, and independent. Parallel means everyone is doing the same thing but not really interacting. An example of that would be cleaning the house. Joint activities involve high levels of communication and interdependence so things like tennis or rock climbing. Independent is pretty self explanatory. Joint activities are the most beneficial because it requires communication. When you have a balance of all of these within your family and your marriage it will strengthen them.  The key to having success though is compromise. If your spouse loves basketball and you don't you can still find ways to support them. There was a couple that I knew who the husband was a huge cowboys fan while his wife wasn't really into sports but you wouldn't know that just by watching her. Every game day she and the kids were in their jerseys. It was the cutest thing to see the love and support that she had for her husband.

Doing things all together as a family can be challenging especially when everyone has different likes and dislikes. While it may be difficult it still is incredibly important. One of my favorite quotes is "A truly good life is one characterized by a wide range of emotions". I think that is so powerful especially when talking about families. We need to have the good times along with the bad. So many of us just want to have perfect happy little families but that isn't healthy. We need to experience everything that life is going to give us.

If you're having troubles thinking of some things to do with your family here are some resources:
http://www.uisd.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/52-great-ways-families-can-spend-time-together.pdf
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/essentials/making-memories/10-ideas-creating-quality-time-with-your-kids#.VR7NmfnF-KI
http://mp-mydailythread.com/7-ways-to-spend-quality-time-with-your-family-%E2%80%93-and-have-a-blast-too/